Dear Sassy

So I propositioned some friends to help me with this column this week.  People tell me all the time that i’m REALLY GOOD at answering their hard-hitting life questions.  Here were some of the best questions & answers so far!


The New & Improved Advice Column for Young Folks and Old Lurkers

Dear Sassy,

What does it mean when my girl goes to 4 concerts in a week rather than see me?

Sincerely, Musically Declined

Hi MD,

You’re probably just really boring and or/have halitosis.  Are you unemployed?  Do you talk about cooking rice and beans all the time?  Your girl is probably just looking for a bit more action than a happy hour deal in east midtown.  Ditch the blockbuster night, get some Binaca and peruse the interwebs for the latest bad/new band update.  Grody Bushwick underground roof parties will score you extra points.  When all else fails, just tell her her boobs look really good in that top.  Works like a charm!


Dear Sassy,
How do I interview for a new job while I’m still stuck at my old one?  Obviously I don’t want them to catch on.
Eager Beaver
This one’s a snooze.  It’s called throwing an effing pair of heels, some lipgloss and your resume in a shopping bag, leaving for a “dentist appointment” and taking a damn cab to your interview.  What are you, retarded?

Dear Sassy,

My boyfriend won’t watch CSI with me, even though I watch Rachel Maddow with him all the time.  What gives?
Fondly, Kick Nemp
Hi Kick,
I hate you.  Next?


Dear Sassy,

Someone stole my identity on the internet through my 56k modem and now my life is f*cked.  Help!

Sincerely, Angela Bennett

Dear Ruth Marx,

Finally a question I can sink my teeth into!

I’m sorry to hear about your troubles.  It really blows when the ‘net does that to you and you end up in Mexico with illegal papers.  But you know what? Just think about it. Our whole world is sitting there on a computer. It’s in the computer, everything: your, your DMV records, your, your social security, your credit cards, your medical records. It’s all right there. Everyone is stored in there. It’s like this little electronic shadow on each and everyone of us, just, just begging for someone to screw with, and you know what? They’ve done it to me, and you know what? They’re gonna do it to you. 

Oh wait..that was YOUR line. HAHAHAHAHA!!!


Until next time.



2 responses to “Dear Sassy

  1. lolzingallovertheplace!

  2. fuckyyounickkemp.

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